“Our attitude is everything. Is all. Tells us who we truly are. Dictates our to days and our tomorrows. Makes the difference in our lives. And only by looking back on yesterday, and on all the yesterdays which have done before, only by looking back in total honesty, examining our actions, our motives, and the outcomes of our actions, can we truly tell what our attitude has been, really understand if we need to change it.
It is so easy to become so involved with the day-to-day comings and goings in life. So easy to wear blinders, blame others, blame circumstances, for who we are, how we behave. The truth is we have nowhere else to look but to ourselves, and only when we are brace enough, desperate enough, to do this honestly can we ever change our lives for the better.” – Proud Spirit Rosemary Altea
In the later part of March 2015, I committed to immersing myself into the Amen RA Immersion program. A thirteen month journey of deepening and expanding my way of life, spirituality and consciousness. Why pray tell would I do this? Have not put myself through enough Spiritual immersions, lost two family members in a space of six months of each other, and in doing so, coming to terms that my life was about to change. To transform into something not even dreamed of yet. Surely, I’ve done my part?
Well, I felt stuck, I feel there is more to explore, more to master. Yes, this sounds pretty much like an “addiction”, well perhaps. Lets see how the next thirteen months will evolve, what is this authentic self dying to come forth. Lets strip naked and allow what is hidden come to light.
So I figure is a time for me to co-create and explore the Kemetic mystery of self awareness and discovery – Coming Forth, of something that has still to be born, to be birthed. This should bring me closer to fully immersing myself into Kemetic Yoga, and the way of life.
So two weeks into the Amen RA Immersion Program, I experience the the shift happening. It’s been interesting to observe how my world views, my beliefs and fears came pouring up to the surface long before I was able to fully understand what the hell was happening to me. The pain tearing in my heart was so unbearable I felt someone had stabbed me a couple of times in the chest, and poured salt into my wounded heart just for the added benefit to gain a response. And a response I certainly received. Memories of my relationships with all the males in my life came surging forward. Angry and cruel stories I had kept filed away emerged for me to see myself. To experience how I had treated others in the course of my present life. This came in the form of hurling verbal abuse, forcing me to review my trajectory of my spiritual choices, and my all time favorite, rejection. This desperate need within me to be accepted, to be allowed to be whom I needed to be. Yet, in reviewing and experiencing all the past stories. It dawned on me that the acceptance I seek outside of myself, had to do with me accepting ME. Yes, ME. In all my beautiful crazy and colorful masks I present to the world. I do not require absolution or approval from others to fully acknowledge the ME. I came to fully realize and accept that the 5 A’s (found in the book written by David Richo – When the Past is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships) Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Allowing and Attention must begin and end with me first, in all my relating. And to fully re-look at the core patterns that trap us in fear – Abandonment, Separation, Annihilation, Isolation and Banishment. And by having angry mirrors reflected back at me, allows me to fully begin the journey of Coming Forth. With total awareness of what qualities I have assigned to my experiences. To really examine my Re-actions when relating to others, too confront where and how am I utilizing the core patterns in the relationships I face daily.
And so, I AM the wounded healer, seeking, questioning and will continue to do so. Searching Balance – M’aat within myself. I am the a womb-man, the sangoma, the shaman, the yogi, a human having blissful experiences. I am proud Spirit! So yes, I continue on the journey of self exploration, challenging myself and my beliefs. Because I can.
“How can I help you, when I still struggle myself? How can I show you that you are spirit too? That you are soul, that you are of God? And who am I to suppose that you don’t already know these things, that perhaps you are way ahead of me, that perhaps I should seek your help.
Are you proud to be soul?
Are you proud to be God?
Are you proud to be of spirit?
Then join me, join hands with me, join light with me, join love with me. Unite with me, and let us all be proud…..Proud Spirit.
~ From “Proud Spirit”